P.S.,

I REALLY REALLY REALLY

LOVE

SUMMER.

And, this is my last of this little mini-series.

The one I probably have the most to say about...so brace yourself! ; )
Haa, I'll try not to make this one too long. But I must warn you, this one gets pretty personal.

I've gone through my journals from this year to guide me and help me remember everything that was going through my mind. Which, I've discovered, was a LOT (I have like, 5 journals to reference to). 

As I've mentioned in an earlier post, first semester was pretty dark. Not a time I like to think about much. That has definitely been confirmed after looking through a certain journal that was like September-December. I believe at one point I wrote that I didn't want to go to sleep because sleep goes too fast and I didn't want morning to come. Toward November and December journaling became sporadic, at best.

I'm not a big fan of baring too much soul via blog (though I'm sure that's hard to believe), but I want to on this particular one. I think it's important. So I'm going to quote real quick one of my entries (Nov. 20) because I think it kind of sums up my emotional state of those months. Oh, and great writing is not a priority for me when I journal. I pretty much just write exactly what I am thinking, so this is said poorly. So, quote - "I don't know who I am right now. It's not me. I'm at my lowest. I'm lower than I think I've ever been. These past months have been terrible for me. And I have no one to talk to because I'm so busy. I keep everything bottled up inside and I go through temporary highs, but I always come back low. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean, I complain about everything and I think too much about everything and I worry about everything. I haven't been able to go like three days without crying or mentally breaking down. I just keep going lower and lower and deeper and deeper. I can't get out. I feel like there's no one here to help me and no one who can really tell me what to do. Everything is so wrong. I don't understand. Things seem right but then everything comes to a crashing halt. Nothing can ever be right. I can never be the person I know I should. Jealousy and selfishness and self pity consume me. I'm losing control over myself and my room and I can't keep it together. I'm just an emotional wreck. Why am I caving under all this pressure? I mean, is my faith THAT weak? What is my problem? How much more can I handle?" End quote.

So, I guess that gives context to the way spiritual life went that first half of the year. Which was not great. I've gotten in the habit of writing down my prayers, so I am able to see that at those points in time prayer was not happening often and I just got too burned out and consumed in self those months as I caved under pressure from stress. I think I just got so overwhelmed by everything that I felt it was just too much to try to solve. I lost focus and completely forgot how much peace comes from just acknowledging that Christ is so much bigger than me and is in complete control.

However, after Ukraine something snapped. Not sure exactly what it was, but I think I have an idea. I think it had a lot to do with things that were going on with a certain friend that prompted prayer on my end. It's kind of neat because I've noticed that when I go through a journal it kind of signifies a new phase in my life, and I got a new journal for Christmas so after Ukraine I started anew in that one, and it really was pretty much a complete contrast to just a month before. The second entry into that one shows a request for intervention, and for me to surrender all control. That pretty much changed my purpose and attitude all throughout second semester. My prayer life completely blossomed and grew so much, and God showed me constantly his faithfulness to answer prayer and taught me perseverance. He answered prayers I've had for years in front of my eyes and made me wait upon Him. Looking back, I am so glad that those hard things happened (with friends and with family) because they kind of woke me up and made me feel a greater need to be the strong one and remain faithful when others were not to pick up the slack. Also, I learned the importance of interceding for those who cannot for themselves. Band also helped me so much through all this, as I felt a responsibility to remain faithful as well through it all. Man, I have so many words right now. This is all being really jumbled up, but I don't really care. I just want to kind of plop it down and show how much God has done in my life this year. Mission trip in Muzquiz was amazing and grew me in my faith even more. Everything that has happened this year has just completely pointed to how faithful He is and how much peace and love and grace is available for those who are willing to wait upon Him and remain faithful. I'm usually reluctant blogging about this kind of stuff because I want to avoid sounding "whatever" (which makes no sense unless you hear the voice inflection, but whatevs), but I feel it's necessary for me to get this all out so I can look back later and remember.

Here are some verses that have helped me this year...

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."
Ps. 16: 5, 7-8

"I perceived that whatever God does endures forever' nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been' that which is to be, already has been' and God seeks what has been driven away."
Ecclesiastes 3:14-15

"Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
Psalms 116:7


Thanks for reading, and I hope this is of some encouragement to you.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to these last two posts. Hopefully they will have been worth the wait : )

Wow...I don't even know where to start with this one.

Family.

The Family, as in The Year Of.

Ma famille est ma joie.

This year family-wise has definitely not been the way I've expected. In a way, it's been better, because it's been more interesting, and I can see that we've all grown closer because of everything that has happened. But it's been a long ride. I'm not going to be able to be terribly specific, sadly, though everyone reading this probably knows what I'm talking about.

In any case, to sum it up in a few sentences, this year has been a year of change and growth. The night after my PSAT (no correlation, but that's how I remember when it was. Oct. 16th...), huge change. The Thursday before Blind Spot, huge change. Lots of emotion. Many tears cried, and many prayers prayed, even when words did not come easy. El Gallo with mom, Beth, and Blake when I started crying thinking about how everything will be so different next year with Andrew gone. The night before the first day of school when we all prayed for each other in our living room. One of my favorite family memories of all time. Hannah turned 21 April 5th, Blake turned 10 December 16th, mom and dad are just about to have their 20th anniversary. Andrew turned 18. Andrew's graduating. Bethany went to her first high school dance. Going to UKRAINE, one of the best trips of my life. Mama and Papa are here right at this very moment!

I'm going to (hopefully) quickly describe how my relationship with each of my family members has developed this year:

Mom and Dad: My relationship with my parents has grown so much this year. It's gotten to the point where I tell them pretty much everything, and usually before I go to other people. They have been so amazing this year. I am so incredibly thankful for parents as good as these. I don't even realize how much I am blessed with awesome, Christian parents who truly care about their children and who pray for us and want to be involved in our lives. They have helped me in ways they probably don't even know this year. I've spent many nights in their room talking with them and telling them all my fears and worries and dreams, as they give me counsel and pray with me and encourage me. They are the biggest encouragers in my life and I would have not been able to be as successful as I have been without their support or faith in my ability. They have been such an example to me this year, especially in regards to faithfulness and prayer. I have seen them at their most burdened this year, yet they have not fallen or crumbled during what I imagine have been some of their hardest times as parents. I could go on, post after post, about how much they have done for me this year and how much I love them and am thankful for them. But this will have to do for now. : )
Andrew: Out of all the family members, I think Andrew has had to go through the most. I have seen him come out as a stronger person, and improve. And we have gotten closer as well, as we've talked more this year and have enjoyed each other's company more than in the past, especially when he was like 12 years old and was annoyed by my presence alone. I have prayed for him more this year, and because of it I believe I've come to love him even more and we've become closer. I am so excited to see what he will do in college and the ways God will work through him. I just can't wait to see him grow even more and become the man God has been preparing him to be. I love him lots and will miss him TERRIBLY next year. It'll be so weird...I feel like my childhood is being slowly stripped away : / . But no need to be too dramatic. Andrew will thrive in college and will become a better person because of it...I just know it!
Bethany: Ah, Bethany. I believe we have become closer this year as well. This year has definitely been a growing year for her, and kind of a coming-of-age experience. As she's gone through freshman year I've seen her react to things the way that I did and can see our resemblance more and more as she is becoming a little more aware of the world and how people work and that sort of thing. One thing that I have always envied about her, and one thing that will never change though she may become a little more timid, is her confidence. She has this interesting confidence that guides her to get pretty much whatever she wants. Prime example, the Tony stuff : ). In any case, I can't wait to see where it takes her, whether in Theatre or as a writer or whatever else. She also has so much love and joy to offer to other people. And she is one of the most faithful people I know. I love her dearly and am excited to watch her grow even more into a beautiful young woman. I only hope that I've been a good example to her as I've kind of blazed this trail ahead of her into high school, especially in the areas of friendships, family, and spiritual life.
Blake: Blake is still sort of a mystery to me. He was the only Roberts kid I actually remember seeing as a baby and have seen grow up, and I remember that one of the things I was most excited about was wondering what kind of person was he going to be, when he was only a few months old and was still this sort of generic-looking baby (but distinctively cute, of course). Will he have curly hair, or straight hair? Will he be talkative, or taciturn? Will he be tall or short? I remember these thoughts in my head. And even though he's 10, I still feel like the way he is now only offers hints to the way he'll be after going through puberty and after going through hardships in Jr. High and High School (sorry, mom, but it's inevitable). I can see that he is athletic and competitive, but he has also proven to be particularly emotional. He seems to like math and hate reading. He is actually really good at art, at least for a 10 year old. With that said, I can't wait to continue to see him grow up and get to know more who he actually is and what goes on inside his little head. We are definitely buddies, and I always enjoy playing with him - though he's been intensifying the "obnoxious" quite a bit lately, which makes it hard to be buddy-buddy with him. But, even so, I love him a lot, and can NOT believe that he is going to be in 5th grade next year. Hopefully his 5th grade graduation won't overshadow my high school graduation. Knowing my mother, it will be a close call...


Wow...do you think my post is long enough? ; )

Sorry for the length. But I felt I had a lot to say. So, there ya go. Enjoy it or don't.

This year has been full of many changes for 249. And with change usually comes decreased comfort on my part...but I think this has been different. First off, Darren came early this year, and it was really weird because I knew NOTHING about him and hadn't even seen him, just kept hearing about "Darren" - but he has been completely AWESOME. He has been such an encouragement and never misses an opportunity to say kind, uplifting words. Since he's been here, I've noticed it's been a sort of rebuilding of 249, which of course isn't always pleasant because I've been apart of it for as long as I can remember, and things have been a certain way...but then again, it's selfish for me to think that things have to be a certain way for them to work, ya know? In fact, earlier this year I was talking to my friend Hudson, who goes to the Met, and he was telling me about their new student minister. He said that he's going to change things, and Hudson was a little wary of these changes. He said the new student minister was going to move what they had on Wednesday nights (which is basically 249 - music and a speaker) to Sunday mornings, and instead of what they had on Wednesdays have a sort of bible study in different homes - Imagine that! ; ) So, I guess that was a reminder to me that just because things are different doesn't mean they are worse. I get comfortable easily so this year has stretched me some.

Randy left 249 to lead the college/singles ministry, which was also strange. Though, I've seen that things haven't been as different as I anticipated, mostly because Randy rarely spoke on the high school side anyway. I'm actually really glad that he went to the college/singles ministry - my parents had been talking a lot about how much they needed one of those. So that worked out well!

ABS has been absolutely amazing this year. The Coker house isn't really just an ABS, it's like this community or something. It's unlike any other ABS. I mean, past ABS's for me have been pleasant enough, but it was always like, me and Taylor were the regulars, and we were really good friends with our leaders (Mrs. Jan, Cynthia, and Anna and Kyle), but as an ABS house we didn't really connect. Something was always a little off, and it seemed like we never really grew. But the Coker house has been so different, and everyone's been so awesome. Our junior group has been a little difficult to grow (though I brought two friends this year! Which is pretty much amazing, considering I usually am able to bring, well, zero. which I know is mea culpa), but I'm anticipating that next year we'll be able to grow more and step it up a notch. Jen has been an absolutely amazing leader. I hadn't known how great of a teacher she was. She was so caring, and I felt like she could relate to me, so I felt comfortable saying pretty much anything. All in all, ABS was a pretty awesome experience.

Another big part of church has been the Band aspect. This year has definitely had it's ups and downs concerning that...obviously, the first four months were rough because of not only the initial transition but the abrupt transition later on. By christmas, though, I think it all got pretty ironed out. The time that we first really clicked, I mean like REALLY clicked, was Blind Spot. It was just amazing. I don't even know how it happened, but for some reason, we all the sudden all got it, and as a group, not just as individuals. Socially, spiritually, and musically. We just clicked. And that was SUCH a blessing and an encouragement, after some difficult times before. We had our first real band party after that : ), and the rest has been well. And now, to introduce us all...Trey, the "de facto leader", as everyone always refers to him as. Plays guitar and sings lead. His Seven Dwarves nickname is Grumpy. Given to him by me after Blind Spot because I found out really just how grumpy he is at 7:30 in the morning: ). Trey is very confident in his abilities, but, as he says, he "knows his limits". This is something I've always envied, to be honest. He is a sophomore at Cy-Creek, and is like the tallest person I've ever seen. Competitive, objective. Trey-zer gun, Tiresome Trey.Trey Weise. And then there's Amanda Atkinson, the personality and charm of the band. Her Seven Dwarves nickname is Dopey, just because she's silly, I guess...either that or that's the only one that really seemed applicable. She is the band fashion police. She plays keyboard and sings on occasion. She has been kind of the glue to the band, and definitely a great friend to me that I've really needed this year. Though she seems outgoing (which she mostly is), she's also a little timid at times, especially when it comes to herself and her abilities. She's one of the most constantly funny people I know, if that makes sense. Senior at Cy-Creek, leaving us for Union in September : /. Then there's Katie Walton, a.k.a. Snow White. She seems sweet, but watch out - she can be pretty intensely sarcastic at times, hahaa. She's very independent and loving, and has a voice of an ANGEL (she sings lead). She is a junior at Cy-Creek and is really involved in choir. She's pretty much our diva of the band, which we are all okay with : ). Next is Will Ratcliff, the mysterious one. This one is interesting...none of us really know much about him still, haha, but that's been his charm, maybe. He usually ends up on the floor during practice...he's kind of always tired. He plays guitar. His nickname is Sleepy. For obvious reasons : ). Amanda always gets mad at him because he wears black and brown pretty much constantly - though it gets better the more she nags! He is very accommodating and kind. A very happy person. Only a sophomore at Tomball High School, yet he is the second oldest in the band, at 17...interesting how that works out. Lastly, there's Riley Sheehan, the sound guy/drummer/musical genious. A.k.a. Happy. Riley is definitely an all-around solid guy, and adds a sort of legit feel to the band because of all his experience, yet he brings a goofy personality to the table. A sophomore at Cy-Creek on drum-line. A running joke in the band is that he is partially also a sound guy. He's constantly running back and forth between drums and sound : ) Just can't keep him away! He's very kind, and is the oldest friend I've had in the band - it was very nice to have a familiar face on the stage from the get-go. Good ol' Riley...
Oh yea, and there's Mr. Rick, or Doc, of course! Leader, winker. He's very jolly ; ). And then there's me, or Sneezy (don't ask how that got to be my nickname). Not exactly sure what I bring to the band. I mean, if it's not my amazing bass riffs, I don't know what it is...(sarcasm)

And there ya go.




(katie, trey, me, amanda, will, riley)

This year socially was...interesting. The band was definitely influential in this aspect, though. I have become a lot closer to certain people, such as Amanda Atkinson! : ) I have been very blessed with her friendship this year.

I don't exactly know what I was planning on saying here. Especially because things I would maybe want to say would be weird for me to say on this blog.

Let's just say it's been different from what I expected. caused stress at times. But has many times brought me joy as well.


Sorry for the lame post.


(oh, and p.s., I edited the last one a little if you want to take a look at it again. nothing major, but yea. fyi)

For these last 5 days of school, I'm going to look back on this year via post in terms of 5 different categories, in increasing order of importance: School, Friends, Church, Family, Spiritual Life. Be excited.


School. Which, by the way, is over in 4 days. : )

I'll just go ahead and talk about each class.

U.S. History AP (Dual Credit) with Mrs. Hoover
I gotta admit, my aversion towards history has lessoned this year, solely because of Mrs. Hoover. She is tied for my fave teach this year. She really cares about her students, and actually really wants us to make A's, hence the test corrections. She's sarcastic and funny, and really makes a point to connect with her students. She has called me Rolly Moberts for the latter half of the year and uses any chance in class she can to call me obsessive or say that I'm an overachiever. Where does she get that idea? ; ) As for the people in the class, it was a very interesting bunch. I only ever really talked to Taylor. We did every project together, and we ended up being pretty productive. It was tight! I made A's in the class the whole year, but only because of test corrections. I could tell that I got better at history. I began making 8 and 9's on each essay (out of 9) and my first-run tests got more in the 70-80's range (which, by the way, is really good in this class! usually people get in the 50's or 60's.) This is pretty much the first year where history was not my least favorite class.

Pre-calculus K with Mrs. Clifton the first semester, Mrs. Tidwell the second semester
This class was pretty easy. When it comes to the teachers, I finally had a really good math teach, Mrs. Clifton! I looove her. She was the math teacher of the Scholars class I took the first half of the first semester. She is very smart and is really small and talks fast and gets right down to business. She makes sure we understand everything and is pretty laid back and such. Mrs. Tidwell is pretty much the opposite. She's like, 60 or something (Jen Thompson had her in high school), and talks slower and is very organized and checks the homework very thoroughly. She's really nice, though. I've come to like her. She's retiring though : / . As for the social aspects of the class, first semester I sat behind Hudson and right next to Wesley Ryan (which, btw, was my crush all through Jr high), and that was pretty fun. Me and Hudson played many a game of 20 questions. Second semester, I got to sit right behind Bree after the schedule change!!! So, of course, that was amazing. Bff.

Chemistry II AP with Mrs. Boulanger
I think I've said all I should say about Mrs. B on this blog. As for the class, Chemistry II was hard. Very hard. Well, it really wasn't that bad. But the tests were hard. I have very mixed feelings. I don't really feel like reflecting on this class. Second year in a row with Mrs. B. Jessie was in my class though, so that was cool! And Diana was my lab partner. She's cool. But this was my least favorite class. The class I am most excited about being done with. And that's all for now.

English III AP with Mrs. Cogburn
So, Mrs. Cogburn is the other favorite teacher! : ) I LOVE her, and this class. It was a very fun year. Well, maybe not fun...but I grew a lot as a writer and definitely as a reader. And it's most definitely because of Cogburn (who, by the way, is moving to North Carolina :/). She's very fun and peppy, and teaches in such a way as to make sure we actually get things. I don't know. I can't really explain why she's a great teacher, but everyone who has her absolutely adores her. She's amazing. As for the class, I sat next to Nikki and behind Natasha and Olivia. That's very fun! The people in that class were pretty neat. AND, I found out just today that this girl Irina Vernaya in my class is RUSSIAN! Like, legit Russian! Born in Moscow!! Ah, she probably thought I was a freak, because today I was like, this is a really weird question, but what country is your last name from? Because one day I definitely saw her reading a Russian book, and ever since then I had been suspicious. I didn't really know her well enough though to ask. She was just like, Russia. and I was like TIIIIIGHT! And started asking her a bunch of questions and counting to 10 for her and telling her about how I went to Ukraine : ) She lived there for about 7 years, and knows Russian just as well as she knows English. Her parents are gymnast coaches, and she is a legit gymnast as well. She's really good, too! Ah, this is so exciting. : )

French II with Madame Wahdenpfuhl
I loove french, so this class came pretty easy for me. The people in this class are loud. But I have managed to make two friends, Lindsay and Minh. I love french very much, and want to study it in college, this is for sure. And I really do like Madame Wahdenpfuhl. Her problem, however, is that she is too much of a pushover. She needs to get organized (her room is a MESS) and get people to listen to her. She really cares about her students, though, and just wants for her pupils to have fun and like her. She loves French and french culture and stuff. Next year I'm most likely going to be French Club President and will get the french club actually organized and meeting more and doing more things. It's going to be tight!

Computer Science K with Mr. Gray
hahahaa. This class! DUDE. Probably my favorite class. First of all, we didn't really do anything all year. Well, we did. And I learned a lot. but it was pretty easy. What made this class, though, were three people: Bree, Madi, and Mr. Gray. Bree and Madi, because they are tight. We made up games and had soo much fun. My computer was right next to Madi's and it was awesome. Many fun times were had in Comp Sci. Ah, I'm so happy that I had it 6th. It's always a perfect end to the day. Very relieving and always fun. I can't even begin to talk about all the fun times had! Me and Madi finally got connected again. That is exciting. And Bree is just all-around awesome. As for Mr. Gray, hahaa...he's just so funny. Not because he's funny...but because it's fun to make fun of him. Hahaha. He loved me and Madi and Bree. It was tight. But he's so like, smart and into computers...he would try to explain really simple things in complicated words and always got us confused. It was SO funny! And I would always have to explain to the class in simpler words. Gah. There was never a bad day in this class. I loooooved it. So many stories. : )


Alright, so generally...I can't decide whether or not this year academically was harder than last year. I mean, it definitely was, but I also kind of learned through World History last year how to deal with AP classes...I mean, I had AP History and Chemistry this year, but I also had easy classes like Precal and Computer Science and French. When it comes to stress level, though, this year was completely polar. First semester is something I like to call the Dark Times. Hahaa. Semester of which I do not speak. J/k, but seriously. It was bad. I don't even really remember a lot of it. But I was so far down deep in stress and just a pit and a hole and it was bad. PSAT, and so many other things. Constant fear and so many emotional and mental breakdowns. Very bad. However, after Ukraine something snapped. I have had very little stress this semester and higher grades, ironically. It's been pretty amazing. I kind of feel like I've conquered high school. Like I can defeat anything it throws at me. I've been through so much these past few years and have been stretched intellectually and mentally so much that I feel I've kind of built up a certain immunity to it. It's very relieving, and rewarding to think about how much work I've put into everything, and what has come out of it. Of course, all A's this year - every single 6 weeks - as opposed to last year, where I got all A's for semester, but I got a B in WHAP one of the six weeks. I got admitted into the National Merit competition thingie, which is cool because even though I didn't do as well as I wanted to on the PSAT, I'll still get recognized. I probably won't make it past the Commended round, but it's cool. I have the awards ceremony tomorrow, too. I'll be sure to post how it goes.

All in all, I'm proud of myself and feel like I've put in so much work this year, and the past three years in general. I'm looking forward to next year because it's going to be SO much easier. I'm ready to relax a little in school and reward myself and let myself kinda take a break.

But before we start talking about next year, I can't tell you how excited I am about summer.

SUMMMMMMER!

8 days of school left.


Aaaaand counting.


I may have failed the Chemistry AP test. Honestly, I'm just glad it's over. but it was ridiculous.

English AP test tomorrow...no biggie. I hope.

A couple of EOC's to go, then I'm done. done done done done done.


I feel like I've been a junior for my entire life.

Next week I'm going to post a couple posts as an overview of this year. I'm going to use my journals as my guides...though for some reason I didn't journal all throughout Nov. and Dec. Not sure why. either that or I have a mysterious missing journal hiding somewhere. oh well. first semester was kind of a dark semester, probably didn't want to document anything. Hmm.

  "For the LORD of hosts has a day
   against all that is proud and lofty,
   against all that is lifted up—and it shall be brought low;
against all the cedars of Lebanon,
   lofty and lifted up;
   and against all the oaks of Bashan;
against all the lofty mountains,
   and against all the uplifted hills;
against every high tower,
   and against every fortified wall;
against all the ships of Tarshish,
   and against all the beautiful craft.
  And the haughtiness of man shall be humbled,
   and the lofty pride of men shall be brought low,
   and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
And the idols shall utterly pass away. And people shall enter the caves of the rocks
   and the holes of the ground,
from before the terror of the LORD,
   and from the splendor of his majesty,
  when he rises to terrify the earth.

In that day mankind will cast away
   their idols of silver and their idols of gold,
which they made for themselves to worship,
   to the moles and to the bats,
  to enter the caverns of the rocks
   and the clefts of the cliffs,
from before the terror of the LORD,
   and from the splendor of his majesty,
    when he rises to terrify the earth.
  Stop regarding man
   in whose nostrils is breath,
   for of what account is he?"

Isaiah 2:17-22

1. About a Boy
2. Aladdin
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. Clueless
5. Elizabethtown
6. Ever After
7. The Emperor's New Groove
8. Forrest Gump
9. The Incredibles
10. A Knight's Tale
11. Life Is Beautiful (La Vita è Bella)
12. The Lion King
13. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
14. Moulin Rouge
15. Pocahontas
16. Pride and Prejudice
17. The Prince of Egypt
18. Remember the Titans
19. A Walk to Remember
20. West Side Story

Completely unmotivated, and tired of Chemistry.

I'm going to fail the AP test : /