This week has been good - school has become progressively easier to handle and less dreadful, much to the satisfaction of not only myself but my parents. And I'm sure anyone else around me who has hated hearing me complain about it ; )

I gotta tell ya - I love driving. I absolutely love it. It's so peaceful to me. I jump at the opportunity to drive places, whether that means picking up siblings or running an errand or whatev. It rocks! Especially when I have my self-made mixes to keep me company. Mmmmm. I just made Nostalgia Pt. 1 and 2 mixes yesterday. Very good driving mixes. Those and my Showtunes mix. AMAZING!

I got to do something last night, which was fun! Went to El Gallo with Ian, Nathan, and Bree and then saw Horton Hears a Who. Which is the best movie I've seen all year! It exceeded my expectations and had me laughing THE WHOLE entire time. It was feel-good and taught an important lesson. The cheese factor was there, but it knows it's cheese so it's okay. And today I slept in till 11 and brought books to my brother at work per his request (I'm such a good sis ;), and then went to La Rosas with my daddy. Just because I can drive and can hang out with other people more doesn't mean I don't still love to hang out with my parents! We had a very good time. Then I went to pick up Blake at the Thomases after enduring the confusing new ways of Huffmeister Rd., and then found out on the way home that Blake knows more about directions than I do. Lovely. And tonight I'm going to go to see the play Blithe Spirit at my school, which is supposed to be really good, and then spend the night at Amanda's with Katie! Ah. It's going to be great. All in all a great weekend.


Still a little overwhelmed about certain things, and still a little hurt. But that would be a completely different post.

God is completely sovereign. He can do whatever He wants. Nothing I could say or do could ever change His plan.


With that said, is it wrong for me to want something so bad (not like, physical - more concerning someone else and their relationship with God and outside circumstances, etc.) that I could say with almost complete confidence that it MUST happen? It's not small, either. It's a matter of great proportions. And I believe that in an instant it could all be changed - our God is that great. To me, the solution seems so simple, but no matter what it seems to either get worse or not go anywhere. All points to the fact that it's between God and them, completely. I know that this doesn't mean that it's not important that I pray fervently or that I shouldn't encourage, etc. But to what extent? Why is prayer important? I'd like to get opinions, or, even better, biblical truths to help me see more clearly how to approach this mentally. I hope this all makes sense. If not, then whatev.

"There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by Darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave he ROSE AGAIN!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me-
for I am His, and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death;
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man
could ever pluck me from His Hand.
'Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I stand."




 " 'Death is swallowed up in victory.'
   'O death, where is your victory?
   O death, where is your sting?'
 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
-1 Corinthians 15:54-58

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalms 139

I'm so glad that my God knows every single part of me and all my thoughts, and that He understands them.



The mission trip was abundantly encouraging and a great experience overall. There were originally 16 of us I think, but we split up - half in Quemado (in TX) and half in Muzquiz (Mexico). I went to Muzquitz. Since the group was smaller (it was just me, Amanda, Danielle, Allison, Ian, Kyle, Kowalski, Eric, Jeremy, and Mrs. Sandy), and we all pretty much knew eachother it was different from the other mission trips I've been on. There weren't really any sub-groups or anything and we all stuck together. There was a considerable amount of down-time in which we played the Name Game (a HUGE hit) and went to a park and played cards and such. When we weren't doing that sort of thing, we were knocking on doors shouting "Buenos Dias" and inviting the Muzquiz people to the events of each night. From about 6-10 each evening we shut off a street and set up a volleyball net and played volleyball and soccer with Mexicans of all ages - though the majority was children. We even played volleyball Mexicans vs. US, which was very interesting :). It was really neat to just be with them and reach out in a different way, especially considering the language barrier. Sports and music (which was played on Tuesday and Wednesday) are sort of "national languages", and so it was not hard to have fun and fellowship with all of them. Then a movie or two was played at around 8, after which Mr. Brouning or "Joe the Missionary" would give a testimony (I'm assuming - it was all en Espanol) and share the Gospel and the love of Christ. It was so neat to me because even though I didn't understand but a few phrases here and there (such as "Jesus Christo es en mi corazon" or anytime the word "salvacion" was thrown around, or "oracion", etc.) I could tell that God was moving within the hearts of those listening. I could tell that people were understanding and that Hope was being spread. I remember just sitting there, looking at the sky, thinking about how God is everywhere and how He can be working in so many lives and in so many places at the same time. The pastor of the church got up and sang a song while Uziel played on the piano, singing "Tu estas aqui" or something like that - whatever it was, I'm pretty sure it means "You are here". That rang so true to me and was so powerful to experience God and to watch others do the same in a place that I rarely think of. Those moments alone were worth it all to me.


I am, however, glad to be home (well, I'm in San Antonio - so I guess I'm just glad to be with family), because though I am getting better at it, I am still not mentally strong enough to be with the same group of people for extended periods of time. That doesn't really make much sense, but I don't really know how else to describe it. I love being with people and I have a lot of fun, but I need alone time as well. I need a balance of both to be at my best and feeling mentally healthy. These trips kind of wear on me mentally and emotionally. It's definitely my fault, but I can tell that I'm getting better at it. I just get too paranoid after a certain point. My mind is crazy.


In other news, things are still slightly difficult when it comes to certain relationships. Though I am burdened I know that I must not give up. But it's still hard some times. All I can do is to keep praying, and keep waiting on the other side...

Whew. Please pray for me as I go on the mission trip this week, which is until Thursday. I'll be in Mexico. I need focus. This morning I completely freaked out and made myself look like a fool in front of the band and am now home until second service because I not only need to get focused and calm but I also need to resize. I pretty much packed enough to last for two in a half weeks, and the luggage is like half my size. Which, didn't seem like a big deal last night because I'm naturally a compulsive over-packer, but this morning I felt ridiculous and asked Darren what size our suitcase should be, and the criteria was considerably smaller than what I had. So then I freaked out and decided I needed to shed about half of what I had originally packed. Which is really hard, by the way. So now I am home, with a smaller suitcase and less stuff. And maybe a calmer mind. We'll see.

Wow. Yesterday was a...surprising day, to say the least - on so many levels. The day started out with a bang as I found out that I am doing a lot better in school than I have anticipated, and kind of came to a screeching halt by the end of the day due to several other things. Surprising, yes. The capacity of many people to not understand why we are doing what we are doing, still, after these few years, is surprising. And yet, with it all - with the oblivion to which I know I've taken on one - I've confirmed my own quality or "virtue" that I have, as Scott Fitzgerald put it, "always suspected myself of". So idealistic, so believing in human ability; so much faith in others. So emotionless when I found out - unbelieving. I still don't understand the gravity of the situation. I keep hearing, I hope you're doing alright, or, If you want to talk about it, let me know. Etc. I think, of course, why wouldn't I be okay? And then I remember the unfolding events of the past few months, and of the life of one that I hold so dear to my heart, and I think, Oh, that's right. It's as if the way my mind perceives things is completely unrelated to the way things are actually going. I read these kind of things in books and I watch this in movies. I don't have to go through it. But if I just ignore it, I'll be okay, right? Ignorance is bliss. Lovely.

Yet, in it all, and before, I've been able to maintain a peace that I'm usually unaware of. I haven't been worrying that much about school, or about anything. It comes in spasms and moments of weakness, but I've felt lately this kind of responsibility to be strong as I see others close to me want to crumble.

I just hope that I'm being realistic enough. I'm rarely realistic. But if there were ever a need to be so, it would be NOW.

I'm tired of us all compromising. It's not about liberal or conservative when it comes to faith, and it's not about open-minded or close-minded. It's about TRUTH. We all forget and get caught up in the apparent "rules" and how far we can bend them.

Just an observation. Tired of seeing Christians acting pretty much exactly like the rest of the world and calling it close-minded to think that it's not okay.

I'm a little scared for myself after today - in History we are doing a simulation that concerns the relations between Britain, the U.S., the Soviet Union, and France right after WWII. I was assigned Soviet Union, and today I wrote a pretty awesome speech that my group used bashing capitalism and arguing our right to peace. I was my group's delegate and presented it pretty passionately. At the end my group did a Stalin cheer. My group TOTALLY won, and I even had some comments both by Mrs. Hoover and students about how good the speech was.

I walked out of class hating snobby America after their speech, and even looked down on France for their weakness. I wanted to overthrow our government and make way for a socialist movement.



I think I'm okay now, though. Back to normal. Just a couple more Pledge of Allegiances and "God Bless the U.S.A."'s to go, and I'll be fine.


; )