"I have studied many times
The marble which was chiseled for me---
A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.
In truth it pictures not my destination
But my life.
For love was offered me, and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances.
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life
And now I know that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire---
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."

-George Gray by Edgar Lee Masters (from Spoon River Anthology)

Man...I'm just so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Mostly mentally though. Either that or physically. I'm pretty sleep-deprived. In any case, I don't really know why I'm so all-around tired. I'm just over-thinking a BUNCH.

---

"Jane be jane
Youre better that way
Not when your trying
Imitating something you think you saw.

Jane be Jane
And if sometimes that might
Drive them away
Let them stay there
You dont need them anyway.

Youre worried there might not be
Anything at all inside
That you're worried
Should tell you that's not right
Dont try to see yourself
The way that others do
Its no use.

You're worried there might not be
Anything at all inside
But that you're worried
Should tell you thats not right
You've had it harder than anyone could know
So hard to let it go.

But it's your life-
You can decorate it
As you like
Beneath the pain and armour
In your eyes the truth still shines.

Jane be Jane,
Jane be Jane."

-Jane by Ben Folds

Okay, there's this word that I can't think of that starts with a "C" and is kind of like a conspiracy or a controversy or scandal, but it's in a lighter sense, but usually has to do with affairs, and also may be used in politics and media a lot. I'm thinking it's "Ca-", but I'm not sure. It's been bothering me all day. I was going to say it in a story, but I got stopped and stumped and could not even move forward. It's been all I can think of.

Oh, I forgot, I was asked by Jeremy to write a post clarifying the distinction between my posting categories. haahaaa.


Awkward Moment: This one is when I have a specific awkward moment to talk about, usually a long story.  Ex: "First Awkward Moment!"
I don't even know: This one is whenever I can't really think of a good category to put it in. It's usually a post that I kind of just wrote as I went along. Either that or it's a random thought.  Ex: "Gag"
Molly Moment: These are posts when I'm feeling extra-Molly. Perhaps when you get more of a glimpse of exactly what kind of person I am or what my likes are. Maybe a blonde moment on my part, which has been referred to often by family members as a "Molly Moment". I haven't posted one of those thus far, though.  Ex: "I Feed Off Impulse"
My Life: These are the ones where I'm just plain talking about my day or about my thoughts and feelings on a certain subject like I would in a diary. These may be more personal, but they also could sometimes be more boring. Depends on what angle I'm going from.  Ex: "I'll Walk With Grace My Feet and Faith My Eyes" and "I'm Committed to Doing Nothing"
Silly: These are exactly that: silly, goofy, pointless. Only example so far is the "Hugh Grant" one. : )
Spiel: These are just my thought process. Usually it's whenever I have one specific thought that I want to just rant on, and it usually leads to others. My best and most recent example is "I Am Sixteen Going on Seventeen Innocent As A Rose"
Whatever: These are whenever I just don't care about what category it goes in, and am probably lazy, to be honest, haaa. Usually it's just kind of like a throw-away post. Ex: "Tired...But Not Sleepy"


I hope y'all aren't confused anymore! That's me...trying to always keep everyone "in-the-know" about things I know everyone cares about.

Not much to report...


JR HIGH CAMP IN TWO DAYS!
I'm super-excited.


Besides that, I've been not home all week. And really tired. And I stayed up 'till 745ish last night at a friend's. tiiiiiiiiiight

Okay, so I was just talking with a friend, when I realized this. There HAS to be a secret, interconnected "loop" that I have only now become so aware of, but still know nothing about. That is a confusing statement, but allow me to illustrate this with several examples. First one. The whole boy-girl thing. I never realized how "unexperienced" I am concerning that stuff until I go to like a girl party or something and there's a truth circle that is commenced and the subject of boys naturally comes up and they all share problems about how guys like them but they don't like them back, what should they do? While MY problem is, well...Noone likes me! And no one ever has (to my knowledge)! And like, I hear of people TELLING people they like them- why would you do that? How do you EVER get over the awkwardness? And I'm still uncomfortable and strange around boys and freak out whenever conversation gets struck about like "So, do you like so-and-so?" and such. I mean, it's not like I'm jealous of girls who ruin their chances of having their first boyfriend being the person they marry, or of ones who get their hearts broken or whatever, but I mean, it's one of those things that I've always wanted to understand, haaa. I feel so out of the loop, like I said! Like, I've always wanted to be one of those girls who gets to turn down guys and stuff. Let me parallel. This may be an awkward subject to talk about on my blog, but Drugs. Okay, we all know that high schoolers do them all the time (well, NOW I know. I definitely didn't know that 'till this year. I STILL get surprised whenever I hear people talk about it at school). Where do they get these? How? When do they do these? How do so many of them not get caught? I mean, it's not that I want to know because I want to DO it (obviously), but it's just like, I flat-out don't comprehend how it all works. Same with alcohol and parties and stuff. I used to think that high-school would be like the movies, with like flyers going around school and stuff, but no. There's an interconnected secret loop that I am unaware of, and I NEVER hear about parties. Well, I hear about the "aftermath", but it's never like, "Hey, Molly, wanna come to this party?" "Nah, I'm not into that." Like, I'd LOVE to be able to turn down that kind of thing! Like, me and my dad always used to talk about this, about how when I'm 16 and get invited to parties that if there's ever one that I go to with alcohol or anything that I should just call them and they'd come pick me up, and since then I've been dreaming of the day when I can be the better person and leave all that junk and be an example, but yeah. And alcohol- how do minors get their hands on that stuff? How come they don't get caught? How come they ask why they shouldn't, and then act surprised when you say "IT'S AGAINST THE LAW!"? And I'll reiterate- I don't want to get involved in this stuff, I'm just majorly puzzled. And there are more explicit examples that I could get into but won't. ; ) A kind of lighter example that me and Bree always used to joke about- people who carry around one binder in school. How do they get by? I mean, I look at me who barely gets by (organizationally speaking) with one backpack, which is 7ft thick as it is, and am always puzzled when I see people who walk by with just one sad excuse for a folder. Usually just a stack of papers with 2 colored slightly thicker papers on top and bottom. How do they survive? I mean, it's not even a matter of like, oh, those people just don't care. I mean, 6 classes...you HAVE to have at LEAST one textbook or more than a folders worth of stuff! You would fail! Where do all your papers go? Like, I don't UNDERSTAND. I'm not rebuking, I just don't comprehend. And I know that I'm just making the same point over and over again, but it's all just comical to me, the fact that I'm so like not "in the know" or whatever about simple stuff like this. Like, even if I WANTED to be like a "bad person" or "rebel" or whatever, I would be HORRIBLE at it. I would be disgustingly terrible at acting like I don't care about anything, haaa. Good thing I have no desire to do so.

In any case, I'm pretty sure that I'm blessed to be so innocent or whatever, I suppose that's just a lot less temptation or obstacles. I just feel like I can't relate to many people. For instance, this all makes for awkward team-time discussions (well, in my mind. Naturally, noone else feels awkward.) at camp when everyone else talks about their disfunctional families and broken homes and how they can't stop doing stupid things at parties and stuff. I never know what to say because I have a perfectly functional family who is really really close, though sometimes it doesn't seem that way, and the party thing I discussed earlier. It's not a crime to be really blessed, right?

I mean, I have my problems, obviously. Just different kind of problems.

Okay, the weirdest thing just happened to me...

I checked my phone, and found that I had voicemail. This is exactly what I heard.

"Hello, caller, this is 911. If this is an emergency, call 911, and if this is a non-emergency, call the Sherriff's office at (irrelevant number). Thank you."

Mmmm, another year of KOTB! My team is Jake Hale (which is really funny that he's on my team again because me and him won in 8th grade. haahaa) and Alex Wright. We're pretty good! I was actually surprised that we went as far as we have. We're in the losers bracket, but we are improving each game. I'm the last Roberts standing! ;) I had to play the pops the last game. That was pretty hard... we beat his team, of course, but I felt bad about it. We were like, okay, we're going to just pretend that we aren't related. But that was kind of hard considering the snarky announcers were saying things like "Who will be the better Roberts?" and crud the whole time. Sigh. It's so hard being a two-time winner! And I'm not just saying that to be whatever. I feel like I'm under a microscope. And the announcers naturally have more to make fun of me for up in the box. Or tease me. Or whatev. BUT- I'm working on not listening to them! Haaa.


In other news, concerning the last post, things are better, definitely. KOTB is only Mon and Wed, and so that opened up Tuesday for practice...a MAJOR blessing. And so all is seemingly falling into place. I'm just tryin' to hold on during this wild ride of a week.

A lot going on.

King of the Beach mixed with week before camp and band members' work obligations and Zach just now getting back Monday and then more obligations (band camp) and no Time whatsoever and satan trying to mess with our minds and lots of obstacles wherever we turn. And Jr High camp in Alvin, TX...in a week.

And feelings of being burdened by other people that I do not wish to have. Indifferent, stubborn (including myself), living behind Masks. I'm just trying to help. But I also feel like I'm being brought down with them. And on top, situations and things that happen (wonderful things) in certain contexts that make me feel like I'm one of those people who, if I were to tell others about current situations, people would feel immensly sorry for. One of those people who would gather concerned looks and others' thoughts that would read, "Oh, I'm glad that's her and not me".

And along with those things my own feelings of the ever-present insecurity and fear I harbor in my mind.

---

"But if I must go,
Things I trust will be better off without me.
But I don't want to know-
Life is better off a mystery.

So keep'em coming, these lines on the road;
And keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load.
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise;
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes."

-Faith My Eyes - Caedmon's Call

---

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; 
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, 
   and lead me in the way everlasting."
 -Psalms 139:23-24


"O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me. 
   Hear my voice when I call to you.
May my prayer be set before you like incense; 
   may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.
But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD; 
   in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.
Keep me from the snares they have laid for me, 
   from the traps set by evildoers.
Let the wicked fall into their own nets, 
   while I pass by in safety."
-Pslams 141:1-2, 8-10


"When my spirit grows faint within me, 
   it is you who know my way. 
In the path where I walk 
   men have hidden a snare for me."
-Pslams 142:3

For some reason, I feel like sharing the things I did at the top of the mountain (in Colorado). Copper Mountain to be exact.

I hugged a cross pole, I threw my head back and yelled really loud, I sat down on a make-shift metal seat thing, I shouted "It is Finished" in some foreign language (I don't want to butcher the spelling so we'll leave it at that), I sang "Cliiiiiiiiiimb eeeeeeeeevery mountaaaaaaain...." from the Sound of Music, if I remember correctly I shouted "I am FREE!", I sang A Whole New World, I took pictures, I prayed (well, WE prayed), I ran around, I stayed silent, I hugged, I laid down, I can't think of anything else, but if I remember, I'll let you know!

Well, I actually have two. One's more awkward than the other, but whatever. I'll start with the least awkward one on the "awkwardometer", if you will.


Okay, so I was in church today, which me, Beth, and Andrew always at super-early due to ministry duties. The rest of my family apparently does not feel the same urgency because they always get there pretty much 30 minutes late. Anyways, I usually save spots for them, because I like sitting with my family, but I always end up sitting by myself for most of it. Well, not by myself, but not with them. Anyways, I sat down in the second row, a decent distance from this couple on the other end, and I was kind of like standing up talking to the people in the THIRD row, when this other couple came my way, and I kind of wanted to secure my spot, so I was like in the middle of sitting down when I realized they were sitting down RIGHT beside me, and so I basically sat down and got RIGHT back up and was like "Oh, sorry", and just walked out of the aisle. hahaaaa. I felt like an idiot. But I'm still confused as to why they, two strangers, sat down RIGHT beside me. SOOO awkward.


Okay, awkward story number 2. So Friday I had to go to the optometrist to renew my prescription and stuff. Routine things, ya know. And it's also routine every year for my mom to be surprised at how bad my vision is. She's always like, Wow, I didn't know you couldn't see without your contacts! And so there's always a question posed whether or not I should get glasses to accommodate my contacts, but usually I'm just like, nah I'm good. But this year the optometrist recommended that I get them, so we were like, okay. And so my understanding was that I would be able to pick out the ones that I wanted and go bring them to this guy who would make sure the measurements are right and all that junk. So me and my mom are looking at the wall, COMPLETELY independent from my actual optometrist appointment, and I'm there for ONE minute looking at the glasses, and we found one that was like a possibility or whatever. It's kind of like when you go shopping or whatever, you look around for like 30 minutes and pick out possibilities and hold things in your hand, but it doesn't mean you are buying all of it, you are just speculating and stuff. Maybe it's a chick thing. ANYWAYS, so I'm still looking, and this guy who works there comes and asks me if I'm getting that pair. And I'm like, awkwardly, "...Oh, I don't know... I'm kind of looking or whatever". And a) I'm still not clued into what this guy's job is, b) I REALLY want just time to look at these myself and evaluate my options, and c) I certainly had not made ANY decisions right then, and so you can just imagine. So they guy is like, "So you want plastic, not metal?", which of course he's referring to the frame, and of COURSE, I had no idea what he was talking about, so I'm just like...I...don't know? And then he's like, "Let me help you pick some out." And so I'm just like, okay. And so then I'm just standing there with a pair of glasses in my hand that he apparently thinks I really like, but I guess he wasn't satisfied with them and thought that I'd look better in a different pair, so as I stand there, still really confused, he comes back in 30 seconds with like 5 pairs, and is now expecting me to try them on in front of him. He's just looking at me in anticipation (and, by the way, my mom is NOT helping at ALL), and so I'm like, "...Do I...try...these...on?" And he's like, Yes! And so I slowly (and I'm STILL confused as to what this guy's job is) try them on, and him and my mom just look at me and give either looks of approval or looks of disapproval to each one, and so the only one that I or they didn't eliminate is in my hand, and so he's like, "Okay, perfect!" and says, "Come with me!", and my mom's just like, "Molly, do you really want those?" and I was like, "Yeah...I mean, I don't really care...". Still feeling SO awkward. So, all in all, basically the guy chose my glasses for me in a 2 minute span. I don't even really remember what they look like. hahaha. I don't really care, but it was just funny. I still remember going outside of the place and thinking about what just happened, and like explaining to my mom why I was feeling awkward, and wondering why she didn't do anything, haaa. All I wanted to do was just be like, "Okay, dude, can you just stand on the other side of the room until I pick out the ones I want? It may be like 5 minutes, God forbid, but I'd really like to pick out my glasses myself." But, of course I didn't, mostly because I didn't even know what was going on 'till AFTER the fact. Actually, mostly because I wouldn't really say that to anyone. But you know what I mean.

Hm...for some reason I've been thinking about what songs I want played at my wedding and funeral. This is what I've come up with so far.

Wedding:
1. For My Love by Bethany Dillon. So perfect.
2. Only Hope from A Walk to Remember. Cliche. but I don't even care. It's so beautiful!

Funeral:
1. The only appropriate one that I've been able to think of is In Christ Alone. at least I think that's what it's called. But it's definitely one of my all-time favorite songs. I'd want it played at my funeral because I hope to live my life by this song. Well, you know what I mean, with lyrics such as "Here in the love of Christ I'll stand" and "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand" etc. Especially in the last verse, too. "No power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand. 'Till He returns or calls me home, here in the Power of Christ I'll stand."

For a while I thought that Hallelujah would be a good song to play...but now that I think of it it's too depressing and junk. So that one's off the list for now.

I can only assume that this list will grow at some point. May even change completely. Now that I think of it, maybe I should just let my future husband decide the wedding songs. I'm sure I'll owe him that much, with me planning the whole wedding and all. Maybe that will be his territory. Haha, I don't really know. We'll see how it all plays out.


Mkay...besides that...lately I've been digging french music. Don't ask me why. Okay, well, here's why anyway. The other day me and Taylor were at Starbucks to meet Jon, and they had a lot of cd's or whatever, and I saw this cd called "Rendezvous à Paris"...and, pretty much, I LOVE it! There's something about the french language that makes anything sound like really good music. hahaa.


Mmm...three posts in a day...hopefully that compensates for the lack of posting that's been going on in this past week.

I just finished the book A Walk To Remember  by Nicholas Sparks. I also started it today.

Okay, I am a girl, so of course I loved it, but I am a firm believer in boys liking both the movie and the book (the book was probably better - movies are rarely better than the book. But they were just so different, I don't think that I can really compare). I don't see how anyone couldn't like it! I mean...it will change the way that you live. Or at least make you consider changing the way you live.

The book is more biblical than the movie, I will say that. And it's set in the fifties instead of in the present. So it has a kind of different feel.


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That's basically what the book is about.

Okay, okay. Maybe I should just not make promises like that in all my posts, haha. I actually was planning on detailing about camp...I was just lazy. Ask me about camp in person...I'll be able to provide a much more detailed answer.


The reason I bring that up is because last night as I was dining at IHOP with my father and sister, they noted that I always say things like "I'll post on this later", but I apparently never do. So I apologize.

Mkay....so I'm back home from CAMP!!

and it was pretty much amazing. I'll post with more detail later.