"For the LORD of hosts has a day
   against all that is proud and lofty,
   against all that is lifted up—and it shall be brought low;
against all the cedars of Lebanon,
   lofty and lifted up;
   and against all the oaks of Bashan;
against all the lofty mountains,
   and against all the uplifted hills;
against every high tower,
   and against every fortified wall;
against all the ships of Tarshish,
   and against all the beautiful craft.
  And the haughtiness of man shall be humbled,
   and the lofty pride of men shall be brought low,
   and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
And the idols shall utterly pass away. And people shall enter the caves of the rocks
   and the holes of the ground,
from before the terror of the LORD,
   and from the splendor of his majesty,
  when he rises to terrify the earth.

In that day mankind will cast away
   their idols of silver and their idols of gold,
which they made for themselves to worship,
   to the moles and to the bats,
  to enter the caverns of the rocks
   and the clefts of the cliffs,
from before the terror of the LORD,
   and from the splendor of his majesty,
    when he rises to terrify the earth.
  Stop regarding man
   in whose nostrils is breath,
   for of what account is he?"

Isaiah 2:17-22

1. About a Boy
2. Aladdin
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. Clueless
5. Elizabethtown
6. Ever After
7. The Emperor's New Groove
8. Forrest Gump
9. The Incredibles
10. A Knight's Tale
11. Life Is Beautiful (La Vita è Bella)
12. The Lion King
13. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
14. Moulin Rouge
15. Pocahontas
16. Pride and Prejudice
17. The Prince of Egypt
18. Remember the Titans
19. A Walk to Remember
20. West Side Story

Completely unmotivated, and tired of Chemistry.

I'm going to fail the AP test : /

I got a dress today!! C'est rose (pink) : )


Katie's birthday is tomorrow, so me and Amanda surprised her with cake, fluffy stuff and a crown at band.

I love birthdays.

But urg...I want so badly for us to understand, for us to give more like those who have come before us. It's not about the show, but it is about the time we give. This is our ministry. And our "commitment", consisting of the whole two hours we give a week (when those in other ministries give more), thus far isn't too much to be proud of.

...But, that's just what I think.

I don't know why I'm posting this, but I just wanted to give ya something to look forward to - before my senior year is over, I'm going to have a series called What I Learned in High School. Not sure what that will entail (like, whether it will be humorous or serious, probably both though), but I've been thinking of a lot of stuff. I'm excited about it. Another reason why it should be a year from now, right now.

10. I'm extremely self-conscious about my hair. When I walk down the halls at school 75% of my time is spent examining everyone else's hair. I usually find myself feeling like I'm surrounded by 1000 people who have better hair than me. Sad, but true.
9. Oatmeal raisin cookies are my absolute favorite kind.
8. I really don't like chocolate. I mean, I like it, but in moderation. I don't do dark chocolate - it's far too bitter. And when I do eat chocolate, it needs to be in it's pure form. None of this mix-n-match business; no Reese's, no brownies and ice cream, no chocolate and rice bits or whatever the crud Crunch puts in there. The best chocolate comes in the form of Hershey's kisses. And chocolate ice cream, too. But like I said...moderation is key. Too much chocolate makes me want to throw up.
7. I don't like shopping with people. Most of the time people can't keep up with me (when I walk in the mall I walk really fast because I'm impatient. When people walk slower and make me wait for them I get annoyed), and people make me feel rushed. Optimum shopping experience includes me by myself, with a considerable amount of spendable money, and with no specific time frame. I shop pretty slow because I hate feeling rushed. May seem slightly contradictory to the previous sentence, but it's aiight.
6. I really hate it when people make me watch YouTube videos. I know what you are saying - noone can make me watch anything. This may be technically true, but in every other way it's completely false. And I apologize to anyone who's ever done this to me - it's not your fault, you couldn't have known. To preface this, I really don't like YouTube in general. I know that I should, and that I should find videos like "Charlie Bit Me" (the most annoying fad our culture has experienced in months) hilarious, but I just don't. Let me explain the scenario that I'm talking about. Talking on AIM with someone, or talking in person, though it's usually AIM. Convo's going great, then BAM. You should watch this YouTube video! (it's even worse when they give you a link. makes it seem more obligatory and increases the chances of me having to watch the video by roughly 40%). Usually the video is about something random that I am not interested in, and it's definitely usually more than five minutes long. I am on the other end, going through a thousand possible excuses I could give to not watch this video. I finally have to give in because they are expecting me to watch it. After I watch it, they interrogate me on if I liked it, and if I did what I liked about it, etc. Sometimes I can get away with the "the sound on my computer isn't working" or "it's taking too long to load" business, but they usually pick up on it after a few times. So I get stuck watching this video I usually find neither funny nor intriguing, and I am stuck watching it for five-ten minutes. And afterwards I must act like I liked it.
You have no idea how many times this has happened to me. I hate YouTube.
5. I love everything 50's. Probably my favorite decade. On that note, I want to have a 50's themed party this summer. For no reason. Everyone dresses up 50's, we eat milkshakes, dance to Elvis, go bowling. Anyone game?
4. I am compiling a list of movies I need to see before I die. I only have three on it so far - Guys and Dolls, Pretty Woman, and Casablanca. I need other movies to add to it, s'il vous plaît.
3. Top three favorite months: June, April, July. I know...April isn't in Summer, so this may seem strange. But I've just recently decided that I really like April. And this is because April is the first time you really see the first signs of summer. And it's beautiful.
2. I don't like it when seniors use the "I'm a senior"/senioritis/"I don't care anymore" mantras as an excuse for everything. It's irritating. I'm sure I'll understand next year, but please stop me if I become annoying and act as if I want everyone to know that I'm a senior and don't care anymore.
1. I fear more than you think. I've been better about fear lately, but every once in a while I get that feeling that my fear is greater than me. It's not even about what I'm fearing anymore that scares me...it's the fact that I have to go through the fear. Weird.

As you all know, ever since last year Nickel Creek concert April 20th has been my second fave day of the year (first being June 20th, of course). Yesterday did NOT disappoint! SUN SUN SUN, Picnic, "249 unplugged", gifts...gaaaaah. CAKE. I love everyone. And Mr. Golden Sun (Barney, anyone?).

Band practice tonight, we decide to have a mini-party, so me and amanda rush to "Krog" and get 2 half-gallons of mint choco chip ice cream. AMAZING.
well, until we got back and everyone decided to play this new game they made up called Who Can Make Molly Feel the Worst? Katie won by far. :P hahaa. it's all cool though. Just got rebuked for buying ice cream a few times, is all. Which makes 0 sense.


With that said, I'm gonna go to bed. Maybe. After watching GG. I need my daily dose.

Today was pretty good. I'm just SO glad that tomorrow's Friday!

I hate labs. Chemistry labs, that is. It's not the work, and it's not the procedures. They are pretty fun and are usually interesting. Why do I hate them, then, you ask? [My Chemistry teacher] mentally flogs me each time they occur, that's why! I almost cried today because I asked a question and she made me feel like an idiot in front of the whole class. I love her, and she's usually pretty helpful, but if her students are scared to ask her questions about labs they do not know how to do...maybe she needs to consider her teaching technique. Ugh. But I think it was the last lab of the year...so, Praise the Lord.

On that note, things have been good lately, still. I'm being productive and there is a considerably less amount of homework, more like long-term projects. I'm so proud of me and Taylor on the history one :). Almost done, baby!



Verses to think about...
"God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
1 John 4:16-18

Oh my gosh, I have been completely and totally encouraged today. I'll probably post more details later, but I have other things to do right now so I'll just wait. I told mom and dad though right after ABS : ) It's all been so sudden and unexpected, and so uplifting to see God answer years of prayer right before my very own eyes. Totally what I need.

There really is just something about the entire month of April. It just may be my second favorite month (first is June, of course), because it's the first month in which you can really see summer coming. The first signs. The beautiful days.

Me and Bree stocked library books at Farney for two hours after school, which I LOVE. I love libraries. And then we went to Taco Bell and hung out, then I went to church, and now I'm home. Everything has seemed more amazing today. Can't really put my finger on it.

Another awesome part of today (well, it contains some not-awesome stuff) - my friend, who used to go to church with me in Jr High but has fallen out of that stuff - we got disconnected for quite some time, but we've gotten connected again for some strange reason and I've really been trying to be a good influence on her - has a best friend who has done something really bad. Messed up a lot of things. I can't go into detail, but it's bad. And it's taking a toll on my friend. She has been confiding in me, and she says that she'll only confide in me because she knows I won't tell anyone. And today she asked me if I could pray for her friend. That made me so happy, and encouraged. To know that my friend sees something different in me to know that I won't gossip anything, and that she knows that she can count on me for prayer. It was so cool to see her say that, because it's almost like she still knows the power of prayer and faith, though she may not take part in it anymore. It gives me hope, though.

Like, seriously.

I documented it last year, with pictures AND in my journal.

When me and Amanda and beth and Katie went to Mac Grill today, Amanda noted about how this is the most beautiful day of the year. like, CRAZY beautiful.

In my journal, I documented that April 12th was the most beautiful day of the year. And it was pretty much unmatched for the rest of the year.

What is the deeeaal?

that is so tight!

I'm sure many of you are wondering how this week has been, considering the last post, which was a little prelude to the stresses I would be feeling. This week really wasn't that bad. I hit a low on Tuesday/Wednesday, but it was better after that. The history project progress is looking better, and the Chemistry test wasn't that bad. I didn't do superb, but I did fine.

As for the piano stresses, I had practice on Thursday night for the women's event, and it went pretty well. I was really nervous, but I think it'll all be okay. And I just did the Music Festival thing (notice the pun? I played a Prelude by Bach. duh-dohn-CH), in which I didn't do all too well. Well, immediately after I thought that I did fine, but after thinking about it and getting my score I realized that the few silly mistakes and discrepancies probably made the whole thing sound botched. I'm mostly glad that it's over, but disappointed because I got what would be the equivalent to an average rating. Like, you didn't do that great, but you didn't completely stink either. I kind of expected it. But whatever. I'll see what the comment sheets said on Thursday. The only reason that any of this would trouble me is because of next year. Next January-March. In that time (if I haven't given up by then, Lord-willing) I will be auditioning for one or two music schools. I keep waiting for Mrs. Kristi to be like, "Molly, you're good...but you probably won't make it. I'm just going to be honest. You're on the bubble", or something. Which she wouldn't say. But I'd rather her break it to me now than for me to decide that music really is what I want to do and audition and then not get in. I can just see her face. That "yeah, I knew that that was going to happen. But I'm sorry you had to go through it" face. This sounds stupid to everyone else I'm sure, and I already know the responses, but I mean...you don't understand. And I know that whatever God wants to happen will happen and such, but this is still like my biggest fear. The thought of me wanting something more than anything in the world and trying my hardest but then not quite getting it. Auditioning after months and months of practice on this ONE piece. Well, three. I'll be able to play it perfectly at home. I'll know everything about it. I'll feel confident. But I'll mess up at audition. I'll get nervous. My leg will shake. Gosh, I just don't want to fail. I'm so scared, because everyone always tells me things like, "you always get what you want" or "if you want it, you'll get it". Sure, but that's only when it comes to basketball awards in 3rd grade and just barely getting an A in World History. I mean, this will be college. People all across Texas will be trying out for these couple hundred or so spots. There will probably be 50 or so prodigies that will have it locked from the get-go, and a 100 or so anal people who are pressured by their parents and practiced for an hour each day. They'll get in too. And then there will be me, who's Excellent. Not Superior, and not even Excellent+ - but Excellent. Average. Okay. So-so. The one where they have to talk it out for a half hour before coming to a decision. Gah, it'll be like 8th grade volleyball again. I tried out, and had been on A team the year before, but that year Coach put me on B team. She told me that I was on the bubble and that it was a hard decision to make. Granted, a couple weeks later she put me on A team because I showed what I got more, but that can't happen in this situation.

You know that I don't believe a lot of this stuff. But the way for me to get it out of my mind is to say it, write it, hear it. But I can't keep these fears inside. They fester. So sorry if all this whining gets annoying. Trust me, it's annoying to me too. But you also know that I won't give up. That's not what I do. But I'm just having some crises of beliefs. We'll see how it hammers out.

I have been experiencing my first mental breakdowns of the year these past two days, which is pretty good, considering it's April.

-really long History research paper due in three weeks, don't really know how to do it, me and Taylor have limited amount of time to work on it together
-AP Chemistry test this Thursday/Friday that will be the death of me - still don't really understand how to do the stuff (buffers/titration), was going to study a lot of it today, but didn't get home till 8:30. Each time I work on it I seriously almost cry. No time to stay after school to ask Mrs. B how to do things. Oh, yeah, and a super-hard lab to complete calculations on and type up by Thursday. And tomorrow I'm going to Cy-Fair Library to meet Mrs. Hoover with Taylor and work on the paper until 5, when I'll be meeting with Jessie to work on Chemistry, and then 6:30 ABS. ABS may have to be a casualty in this Chemical war I am currently fighting, but we'll see. I really need sleep.
-Women's event band practice on Thursday, playing Keyboard, which isn't really a problem for me, but there's actual sheet music that I am expected to follow. I keep trying to hide the fact that I don't really practice that music, but each Thursday Mrs. Kristi asks me to play some for her and it is revealed that I don't like having sheet music for keyboard parts and would rather just play chords - that, and that I am not great at sight-reading. In any case, this hasn't been a stress until now, when I have realized that I don't want to make a fool out of myself or be scolded for not putting as much effort into this as I should.
-Music Festival this Saturday in which I'm supposed to play, by memory, and be judged on, Bach's Prelude in Bb Major. Which is played fine for the most part at home, but I played it about five times for Mrs. Kristi today and didn't once get it without less than like 5 mistakes - and I just now realized that I had been playing these couple notes wrong, much to my embarrassment as Mrs. Kristi pointed it out for me. So now I need to be able to play this piece under pressure perfectly at any given time in front of a small audience of judges. When I get nervous (which is 75% of the time) my fingers get clumsy, which isn't good because this one has a lot of runs and fast notes and scales, etc.
-More on the same note, with each piano lesson I get more and more nervous that in this next year as I prepare for the auditions for whatever music school I will choose to audition for that I will fall short and not be good enough. I'm already not NEAR as good as I should be, considering the amount of time I have been playing (which is like 10 years). I mean, what if the ONE thing that I have an indubitable passion for is the ONE thing that I won't be able to pursue? Everyone else at my age is already so much better than me. I don't meet up to the standards now, and I'm not sure that in a year I'll be able to improve much more. This all probably sounds like bologna, but you don't understand - you have no IDEA of the amount of talent needed to do what I want to do. Not only the amount of talent, but the talent in specific areas. The only part of my talent they will be judging me on is my music-reading, crazy technical, fancy talent - the kind in which I am most lacking.


I already know what is going to be said - I am very aware of my irrationality and that I need to stop worrying. But if I don't get it all out I may explode.

Weird dream last night -

I remember being at the doctors, and them telling me that I definitely only had 3 days to live. I had a terminal illness, though I felt fine. They couldn't tell me what was wrong, except that my body would shut down at any given moment in three days. I wouldn't see it coming, except for one indicator - I would start seeing in black and white.

So I told everyone, of course. I don't exactly recall how everyone acted...I do remember though going to the Food Pantry thing with the church on a mission trip-y thing on like a Saturday. I remember stocking toilet paper and such. The place was...taller, though, if that makes sense - like, we had to get on ladders to get up to places. I remember people not really knowing how to act in response to the news. I, for one, was not scared - since I was prepared for it, I felt at peace and wasn't worrying, which I could only hope would happen in real life if this were ever to happen. I got a LOT of stuff, which really doesn't make sense if I'm about to die. I got random stuff such as toothpaste and mouthwash that, in my dream, symbolized inside jokes, though none of them connect to real-life inside jokes. When I drove home from the place I took my sister. As I was turning into my street I felt confused and everything became jumbled. I heard loud loud music and all the sudden colors started to fade. It wasn't completely black and white yet, but it was getting there. I think I prayed really hard, and so did Beth - I think I said something like "it's happening" or something to signify that I was about to die - and after fighting really hard, I finally broke through it! My colors were back to normal and I seemed to be functioning normally. I felt really embarrassed because I would have to tell people that I really didn't die and give back my gifts and such. hahhaa. Which I guess is, naturally, the first feeling anyone would get when they found out they really aren't going to die. ...Oh dear.

This week has been good - school has become progressively easier to handle and less dreadful, much to the satisfaction of not only myself but my parents. And I'm sure anyone else around me who has hated hearing me complain about it ; )

I gotta tell ya - I love driving. I absolutely love it. It's so peaceful to me. I jump at the opportunity to drive places, whether that means picking up siblings or running an errand or whatev. It rocks! Especially when I have my self-made mixes to keep me company. Mmmmm. I just made Nostalgia Pt. 1 and 2 mixes yesterday. Very good driving mixes. Those and my Showtunes mix. AMAZING!

I got to do something last night, which was fun! Went to El Gallo with Ian, Nathan, and Bree and then saw Horton Hears a Who. Which is the best movie I've seen all year! It exceeded my expectations and had me laughing THE WHOLE entire time. It was feel-good and taught an important lesson. The cheese factor was there, but it knows it's cheese so it's okay. And today I slept in till 11 and brought books to my brother at work per his request (I'm such a good sis ;), and then went to La Rosas with my daddy. Just because I can drive and can hang out with other people more doesn't mean I don't still love to hang out with my parents! We had a very good time. Then I went to pick up Blake at the Thomases after enduring the confusing new ways of Huffmeister Rd., and then found out on the way home that Blake knows more about directions than I do. Lovely. And tonight I'm going to go to see the play Blithe Spirit at my school, which is supposed to be really good, and then spend the night at Amanda's with Katie! Ah. It's going to be great. All in all a great weekend.


Still a little overwhelmed about certain things, and still a little hurt. But that would be a completely different post.

God is completely sovereign. He can do whatever He wants. Nothing I could say or do could ever change His plan.


With that said, is it wrong for me to want something so bad (not like, physical - more concerning someone else and their relationship with God and outside circumstances, etc.) that I could say with almost complete confidence that it MUST happen? It's not small, either. It's a matter of great proportions. And I believe that in an instant it could all be changed - our God is that great. To me, the solution seems so simple, but no matter what it seems to either get worse or not go anywhere. All points to the fact that it's between God and them, completely. I know that this doesn't mean that it's not important that I pray fervently or that I shouldn't encourage, etc. But to what extent? Why is prayer important? I'd like to get opinions, or, even better, biblical truths to help me see more clearly how to approach this mentally. I hope this all makes sense. If not, then whatev.

"There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by Darkness slain.
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave he ROSE AGAIN!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me-
for I am His, and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death;
This is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man
could ever pluck me from His Hand.
'Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I stand."




 " 'Death is swallowed up in victory.'
   'O death, where is your victory?
   O death, where is your sting?'
 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."
-1 Corinthians 15:54-58

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalms 139

I'm so glad that my God knows every single part of me and all my thoughts, and that He understands them.



The mission trip was abundantly encouraging and a great experience overall. There were originally 16 of us I think, but we split up - half in Quemado (in TX) and half in Muzquiz (Mexico). I went to Muzquitz. Since the group was smaller (it was just me, Amanda, Danielle, Allison, Ian, Kyle, Kowalski, Eric, Jeremy, and Mrs. Sandy), and we all pretty much knew eachother it was different from the other mission trips I've been on. There weren't really any sub-groups or anything and we all stuck together. There was a considerable amount of down-time in which we played the Name Game (a HUGE hit) and went to a park and played cards and such. When we weren't doing that sort of thing, we were knocking on doors shouting "Buenos Dias" and inviting the Muzquiz people to the events of each night. From about 6-10 each evening we shut off a street and set up a volleyball net and played volleyball and soccer with Mexicans of all ages - though the majority was children. We even played volleyball Mexicans vs. US, which was very interesting :). It was really neat to just be with them and reach out in a different way, especially considering the language barrier. Sports and music (which was played on Tuesday and Wednesday) are sort of "national languages", and so it was not hard to have fun and fellowship with all of them. Then a movie or two was played at around 8, after which Mr. Brouning or "Joe the Missionary" would give a testimony (I'm assuming - it was all en Espanol) and share the Gospel and the love of Christ. It was so neat to me because even though I didn't understand but a few phrases here and there (such as "Jesus Christo es en mi corazon" or anytime the word "salvacion" was thrown around, or "oracion", etc.) I could tell that God was moving within the hearts of those listening. I could tell that people were understanding and that Hope was being spread. I remember just sitting there, looking at the sky, thinking about how God is everywhere and how He can be working in so many lives and in so many places at the same time. The pastor of the church got up and sang a song while Uziel played on the piano, singing "Tu estas aqui" or something like that - whatever it was, I'm pretty sure it means "You are here". That rang so true to me and was so powerful to experience God and to watch others do the same in a place that I rarely think of. Those moments alone were worth it all to me.


I am, however, glad to be home (well, I'm in San Antonio - so I guess I'm just glad to be with family), because though I am getting better at it, I am still not mentally strong enough to be with the same group of people for extended periods of time. That doesn't really make much sense, but I don't really know how else to describe it. I love being with people and I have a lot of fun, but I need alone time as well. I need a balance of both to be at my best and feeling mentally healthy. These trips kind of wear on me mentally and emotionally. It's definitely my fault, but I can tell that I'm getting better at it. I just get too paranoid after a certain point. My mind is crazy.


In other news, things are still slightly difficult when it comes to certain relationships. Though I am burdened I know that I must not give up. But it's still hard some times. All I can do is to keep praying, and keep waiting on the other side...

Whew. Please pray for me as I go on the mission trip this week, which is until Thursday. I'll be in Mexico. I need focus. This morning I completely freaked out and made myself look like a fool in front of the band and am now home until second service because I not only need to get focused and calm but I also need to resize. I pretty much packed enough to last for two in a half weeks, and the luggage is like half my size. Which, didn't seem like a big deal last night because I'm naturally a compulsive over-packer, but this morning I felt ridiculous and asked Darren what size our suitcase should be, and the criteria was considerably smaller than what I had. So then I freaked out and decided I needed to shed about half of what I had originally packed. Which is really hard, by the way. So now I am home, with a smaller suitcase and less stuff. And maybe a calmer mind. We'll see.

Wow. Yesterday was a...surprising day, to say the least - on so many levels. The day started out with a bang as I found out that I am doing a lot better in school than I have anticipated, and kind of came to a screeching halt by the end of the day due to several other things. Surprising, yes. The capacity of many people to not understand why we are doing what we are doing, still, after these few years, is surprising. And yet, with it all - with the oblivion to which I know I've taken on one - I've confirmed my own quality or "virtue" that I have, as Scott Fitzgerald put it, "always suspected myself of". So idealistic, so believing in human ability; so much faith in others. So emotionless when I found out - unbelieving. I still don't understand the gravity of the situation. I keep hearing, I hope you're doing alright, or, If you want to talk about it, let me know. Etc. I think, of course, why wouldn't I be okay? And then I remember the unfolding events of the past few months, and of the life of one that I hold so dear to my heart, and I think, Oh, that's right. It's as if the way my mind perceives things is completely unrelated to the way things are actually going. I read these kind of things in books and I watch this in movies. I don't have to go through it. But if I just ignore it, I'll be okay, right? Ignorance is bliss. Lovely.

Yet, in it all, and before, I've been able to maintain a peace that I'm usually unaware of. I haven't been worrying that much about school, or about anything. It comes in spasms and moments of weakness, but I've felt lately this kind of responsibility to be strong as I see others close to me want to crumble.

I just hope that I'm being realistic enough. I'm rarely realistic. But if there were ever a need to be so, it would be NOW.